just another fight

Ever since the lucky sperm won the battle its been war for me.
Everyday since then, there has only been points to prove,
checkboxes to be ticked, something or the other to be achieved.

Winners win and loser lose and life continues, holding back my breath,
I dont want to be on either side of the paradigm.....
I am tired all this senseless game what if I did nothing,
I dont know I just want to be content I am sure neither winner nor losing
give me any contentment what so ever... Certainly losing does not

All I hear now is a blank noise of regrets shouting all I have missed, those empty checkboxes and me
Loneliness is a harsh time and without a direction i cant think of anything but sit and cry
tears flow down the cheek even they lose my sight and there is nothing but a vaccum and me

I still dont understand if it is worth the effort, sometimes I did for my parents for they could be proud,
sometime for my silly ego for it could be proud and just feel more superior than others around
never have heard the little voice in me, what it wanted to say and what it wanted to be....
the voice told a lot tales of beauty, horrors and my deepest covered trails

What am I running for, what am I running away, what am I fucking doing... i really have no clue...
dont know what the fuck i am finding, but i am losing and have lost a lot in this find, my sanity, love of people, a friendly smile........

I sway in the madness of time, its utter chaos to join the dots, to only observe lines criss-cross like on my palms which make no sense, may be I have not read enough, may be I have not thought it out enough, what is "enough" is enough puzzling for my head. Joining dots have a pleasure the transitional achievements of figuring it all, then whole things get flushed out as juveline has its charm, life has a charm in its own weird ways, the ways we percieve the beauty of being alive, the ways we take on different situations which come and go... Madness I believe does make sense sometimes.... :)

Colours

Sometimes I wish colours were as vivid and simple as they were,

the blue was not what I wrote with and the red with I am corrected with,

the sea of colours was for us to discover...

Definition was vagueness, dreams were vivid and believed as I saw them,

painted life with colours and not the white, black and greyness which I today call life....

jlt

The times are worth more than the chinks of dime which I hold so dear

the times are worth more than all I fear

The beauty is more than the splendid blue sky lit up by the moon light

then why do I fight to muck of glory on my tainted might

The sounds are new of a time I have forgotten,

then why did I move into these times knowing they are rotten

Someone I love is long gone from side which I still hold close

I dont see her anymore, why do I administer this torturous dose

I might be wrong, as she might be right, when why do I fight when there is no one on the other side

just randomly

Time like sand flows away in the idleness of my being

Somewhere is flows to a dimension of dementia of being

Time is like water I want to hold it, but the beauty is not there for it being stuck

but when it flows, when it rains, when it snows.....

It is the air, the breeze, which flows from within to without

is it actually without me, cause it takes a part of me,

I hear nothing but blank noise, is it being lonely or simply being ignorant?

Ignorant of the beauty of silence, there is companionship but silence is it

driving me crazy, I want to speak, but then there is no one to speak to in real

I want to travel, but it is a vacuum I travel with, a vacuum of regrets and of broken dreams

Why can't I let go of these regrets and broken dreams, why is it hard to reset

I took outside, when I should look within, what ever happened now stinks in the

pensive gloom which surrounds me, did I want or I just have it, I know I want it

but I fool myself it has always been, then is it misery which is my mistress, well

it has been a lot of stress

Move move and move, do I really move or it is just I sway but never change an inch

people have come and gone, I know they would come and go, but I don't want to be

stuck in my kingdom of dirt and wearing this crown of broken dreams, this is leading nowhere

I want to revive the old spirit, the smile and never say attitude that I once knew as my life

To be stuck down and to grow out to give a better fight, I want to go back in certain ways and

move ahead in many, I dont want my actions to be fueled by anger and distress but of

hope and not being in despair and hopelessness but of life

I want to be lost in the world which I love, but then not consider the otherside which is full

of grief, do I want grief I know never but then why this fetish, when I am already out, why

I pull back, is it my code of morality, may be it is time to think of "me" and not the universe

it is time to make a change greater than what I have achieved to atleast see the beauty which

I see and forget, to write the beauty which I now cant articulate, to sketch, to read the letters

which touched my heart with soo much pleasure,

I guess it is not worth giving up my pleasure for others to smile, may be I am selfish, may be

ungrateful but some how I feel it is warranted, I do want my life, which should not be the same

I have seen and experienced, to evolve and let others see the beauty of being..... and being me... :)

Times...

There are times when the head stops chanting the rhymesOf life and times, ahead and behind what I am and what I am notAll seem to undermine in the rhyme of being in vine of time,“To the memories and the fears, to the joys and tears, to life and to deathI am not scared till my last breath”, hummed the chants of illusions a million times, For today I don’t believe my chants and given into my tears, for I am sick,Hiding behind the fears, the paranoia is back, the illusions have stopped,For once I would want to see the sky as it was! To breakaway and break in, To lie off and lay in, away from the walls of my fears which so made me jeer,To find the old tune of joy, pain and death, a sound which I forgotten in the whole mess,Mess of time and fear which got me so far away from my own years.For the times which cannot be revisited and times which lies ahead, this is me signing upOnce forever to live my life away from the veils of sanity and fears!

life...as it seems

Life is the flavour of season going by and season which holds now, the moments could freeze under the harsh sun, could flow like water in the fierce winter or dry in the never ending monsoon. the true flavour of life is beyond what you see, it is how you feel it is about the mystery of the next breath you tke... life is more than ideas and ideals concieved by the social woos, life is more like life so live the air you breathe not the air which is no more or the smell of tomorrow

life

Once we die, everyday we live, and to live, everyday we die....
When death is evident, then why live to die, why dont we die to live..
beauty beholds in our hearts, and not in the decisions and conclusion
we draw through time, life is about those hardest times and those
sweetest memories, which brings tears to our eyes, life is not the
hope nor the pursuits for happiness, for it always exists in our
illusions of pain and misery... life is beyond the horizon, beyond the
thoughts which limit our vision... live up, open up, wake up to the
call, one beautiful named "life"

winds of thoughts...

Lost in the winds of thoughts,
swayed away to a land far yet know,
sometime I wonder where I stand,
in my memories, reminds of those,
cold and warmth which makes me
the man, sometime proud of who I am,
but I curse, the times which made me as I am...
The pain, which hurts me, like a dragger pierced in my
heart, hard to keep in, fatal to let go, with
all the burns scars of my memories, here I stand
remembering the beauty of love, which touched
my heart, and kept the warmth alive, in me
gives me the reason to stand in all the darkness and misery...

......

Every thing has a price to pay,
A laughter waiting to be killed,
A dream waiting to be shattered,
The crime which I am convicted for
pain and tears, is a petty one of
believing in people and trusting
purity of relationships, never knew
economics of trade and "wealth of
nations" have long entered the hearts
of the beholder of the womb, where
every effort put in has a tag written
"something is coming for you", in innocence
of a child never understand, now the
cruelty of maturity is making me
understand, every breath of mine is
actually not mine, every effort of mine
is exactly not mine, every step of mine
is forced, not talking about god, but
the expectations of costs one must pay,
when I try now to break apart, being
a complete failure to accept what all
could, some termed their defeats "due
to respect" some said " out of love"
I have no one liner for my victory in
defeat, someways I feel I lost all, in
the "nothings" which was mine, I cant
bear these heavy breathes which I take,
endowed with the heaviness of being not
able to owe up to what many say "responsibilities"
I wonder if I am failure or a victor in failure.........

i am bleeding, without a stain, my heart is crying without a drop of tear
i am dead but i am breathing life in and out. I lost my fears yet so scared
i am not in pain, nor in joy. I am numb yet I feel the strain.
i am no one, still the world shout at how "no one" I am.
i feel the wind, yet i am choking of air.
i dont know where i stand, my feets are tired of carrying weight.
i am fucked, yet a virgin. I am all soo complicated, yet so simple.

....

Disowned by people around, disgust expressed by the passers by
clean my soul stand in the impurity of my existence, life has never
seemed to be more free than I stand today, I have nothing to loose
here in this ghetto, called the society, the values of "family", love
affection, all sound same to me, noise. Infinite call of insecurities,
Broken away from myself, lived in my fears, fears of being not loved,
fear of being alone, beyond fear I am finding the glow, shed the age
old baggage, yet my back feels the weight of memories, impressions of
my childhood, the suffocation of my own voice, the echo of my existence
in a room, trapped in a grave of society, slowly the pit of my existence
my voice was being covered with the soil of belief, the soil which shuts
millions, I cant forget the hard breaths taken to come to life, the echo
of my voice in my lungs, millions thoughts and questions killing my
innocence, making me the animal that i am today, i hold no one responsible,
but irresponsible to show me the ways which all took to die in their pits
peacefully, I dont want to die in peace of the so called "sanity" , in the peace
of a millions of dollars, mansions, and a so called family, all joined with the
common theard of money, property, wealth, with grief on the face and
the happiness in their hearts, i cant be the man, so idealistic an idiot,
may be all idiotic i sound to the world, writting things without a meaning,
the maniac, romanticising life, all terms attached to me, a path which
today i choose to walk on, a path which is unknown, i am not a rebel , nor
I submitt, I am just a traveller, wonderer in the walk of life, in the true spirit
to find the new lands, ideals of existence, a path i am walking alone, dont expect
others to commit the suicide of walking, against the flow of time, coz they wont
come back to you, a lot to loose and profits never come, what comes in the
thrill....

jus randomly

love is not everything but there is nuthing without love...
something i read a long time back but touched my heart
forever ... today in remorse i understand the true meaning
of what it meant..what promises r , y is maturity the word
which take one from one plane to the next of existence in
relationships..

I realise this all but no one to share with all day lost
in my thoughts, caring nuthing much about the world
i sit n wonder n work...an utmost confusion of all times..
sets in but its jus am enjoyin a feeling gone yet i am holding
sometimes i believe i am holding time in my hands...

mad i sound .. may be mad i am crazy insane...be it anything
in the mix of humdrums of my existence of the kid n the man
the materialistic stuff seems soo vague to me , all the intangible
seems all i have...i dont know i am back to the mellow of my existence

i feel the trembles of fustrations and irritations all around
some seem to affect rest jus a passe i wonder i am cold stone again
but this time i can feel my heart beating n i am more alive..may be
in thoughts but somewhat i can feel a change, an infinite influence
of a woman who is there but still not..

thoughts , people and my world .....

utopia of madness

Life goes on like a mechancoly strain,
a tune of silence, a dance of madness ,
a peace so unpeacefull in a time trap
so unknown , words so unheards yet known

In waters of time feels like sands,
in numbness experiencing pain,
painfull yet so comforting,
smiles from a distant seems like an utopian age

utopia is what i am into , the utopia of madness..

sometime i wonder,where i stand,what i am
a structure of mass n bone..who the fuck am i
an insane bastard,who does not know what
he wants from life,or a man who seen a lot
at the age where he should not have,jus that
like being unnaturally rubbed on the paths
of life..love life beyond all seems the same
in the same horizon of thought,to close to
judge the reality,to far to judge illusions,
what i am,a maniac,unsettled is the feeling
i have in the daily affair of life and times..
sometimes scared like a kid,sometimes
brave like a knight,sometimes aggorant like
a fool,what am i ?? is an answer i seek always
but can't seem to find..something which i am
so close to yet unknown,different names
which humanity offered,wondering which to
choose,mad insane arrogant bastard........
in search of answers i stand naked yet
covered in the path of life......

clock of life!

Life goes on in the monotony of time..
like the seconds ticks from 0 to 60..
and back to square...over and over in
the confinement of life..ticking infinitly
calling for the final call..when it comes all
to the stop..the stop of death..

In this monotony of life speed is the illusion
the illusion of excitment all dies in the acceptance
of the reality of the tickin..tick..tick..tick...
wondering today about my existence my time..
looking back..and forward all seems the same..
in the confinment...

In the millions of ticking in the social noise of
the society we tend to engage the minds from
the reality...to the illusions of happiness freedom
and many more utopic thought..and accept the bondage
with a smile....

I wonder why...but i have been asked to do so
made belief this is right...from the time i was born
compensate was the saga taught and bowing to the
insivible energy (god) my religion...

Millions of my questions keep arising and bursting
like bubbles as i tick by..answers are infinite but
truth unheard...in them its jus a condolence given by
myself to me..of the brighter light...illusions of my
life...goes of infinitely

...

hardest times, the sweetest memories
sweetest times, the hardest to forget!
life is not what seemed before
illusions change with the dimension
of life ... happenings in the madness
of time..like the season they go ....
from the coldest of winter sorrows
to the outbreak of the monsoon....
life changes as it has to but the everytime
adding a different memory ...they all
seem the same.. from a bird eyes views..
wish i was a bird...clouds wud be my home
and the lands my playgroud...the air of
time flowing thru my wings like never
before living memories thru the flap
of my wings...time wud have changed..
good bad ugly would seemed different
wished for wings..the flight of the time
the flight of my life....

today in the 4th month of my 20th year on this planet...hit the worst realisation of a life time....a system which prevails the cliche of each one our existence today here in this society...as much u fight out of it ...u end up in it...all the worthless...sweat and tears and blood and agony goes..down in a moment...u end up like everyone...a system of expectation where parents dont care ...where kids are an investment and education premium a system of our society the indian motherfuckin so called family value is the most cliched things i have heard..in a lifetime ...family value is nothing more the net worth in the society monetary which ur face value ... how much the sons and the head earn determines the respect...a fuckin system where money holds high than dreams and aspiration...my friend used called stupid in my worthless attempts to convince the world..i can do things differently...yeah i did differently fucked myself up...a harder way today i lay with my more than ass rammed everything means nuthing to me i dont care ...in the system today i seek for a high payin 6.5lac starting and am ready to kill a man for it...in 20year 4 months i realised the worthless fight...i dont know ...today i more radical than a madman i could jus run...but to where ?????havent we all been running where there is no space left...to jus run...i wana die...i jus wanna die..than to live a life where i couldnt keep my head up...and end up like every other man...i dont stand alone but in a crowd where i dont belong..cost u pay ur dream as they who dare to disbelong

unsaid...

a lot in life goes unsaid and loads of relationships which goes unnamed and thoughts which go a waste.. but in these silence of self .. peace of mind and vaccum of nuthing lies the meaning of life..us and people.. who go unknown n unheard complicated in the uncomplicated life which the bounds set by us the society... i know go unknown in my journey .. meeting people unknowing know and have relationships so simple which becomes hard to realise...this is us me n everyone arnd life is beautiful never brand it to the dogmatism of the thoughts..

wisdom

life...death....breath..everything comes in one string....
a string of thought which goes unthought......
death comes unexpected and life expected.....
birth brings joy sometime i wonder y death bring
sadness..today when i sit beside the thought of my
mortal friend whose immortal soul today is free
i feel..death teaches us about life which cant be
spoken about in the books of wisdom .........
coz the death recollects differently to different
people ... a different meaning...a realisation of the importance
of every breath i take and the every moment spend here
in tears or smile....

all the small anger hate smile seems so trivial to me..
trivial coz i havent grown out of it but understood it
the fact that my friend is gone far away to the infinite
space which my thoughts always thought to imagine
the spark of my imaginations.....still it interest me...
to understand the unthought....

getting answer to some of my million questions and
understand the purpose of life..here i stand in middle
of somewhere in the place of no where thinking of
things and undoing the mysteries of life and beyond..