Looking within...

The whole question of purpose of life
is so counter-purposeful if we knew
then why we live to work towards a goal
avoid the zillion question for the validity of that goal
is there really a purpose or just it is make believe
in the system of all lives to be purposeful
to be evaluate in the societal  of successes and failures
the question the obvious seems pretty not so obvious
cause it is evident, never questioned we were born
and then came the goals, goal to stop crying when
parents ask to, to poop in a pot, to learn to walk
to learn to speak, "to do" a zillion before you even have
your first thought, it seems natural as a part of being to do
those who do not do or questions are the hermits and rebels
never a part of the social order
why is it soo criminal not to do, to not a have purpose
why is it soo criminal just to live, not be judged
did someone really choose to fail I hardly believe so
I am not question for I running away from this rat race
but then why this race in the first place
why this purpose when the best moments of life is when
I never had a purpose when I gazed when I wrote
like I write today there is a purpose to challenge probably
writing my shitiest best but then why this purpose
it is baffling to just to see the rush in everyday life the
zillion things around we just lose a grip over ourself
the question what do I want, god knows may be even not he
before I could think of that question I was ticking on the
various "to-do" lists which were set
by the time I thought it was important to love by then
having a partner was a "to-do" Do we really do?
why is infidelity look down upon why does this society wants order
why is there fundamental rights of freedom but no free will
there are million boundaries defined within I am set free,
why is it so absurd to think, I could spend a lifetime travelling
observing, sketching, writing, clicking pictures why I always
think to follow the heart to not being 'responsible' is wrong
is it that inner voice, I do not think so atleast logically
it is my inner voice it should at the least be in confidence to
the inner wants. Or may be doing all of these is just my
illusion of a better me, sitting at the office desk is safe
for me I never have to tread in these new paths for I have done
decently in the "societal" walk of life
everytime I think about a relationship a commitment to myself or to others
I never can commit, why is it binding when I am aware
am in a deeper bind of life that what my dreams would bind
This yet again bring back to the question what is my "purpose"
what is worth a shout? what is worth a rebel? what is worth my time?
why all the value proposition when I am just trying to live today
for tomorrow may or may not knock my doors
may be it is comfortable to blame others and in the hope to find the "answer"
to the ultimate question of life I can vile away time
may be it is time to live, time to stop answering, time to stop questioning
time to feel, I  do not know I hope this stays with me...

Not a "suitable" boy

I never wore a suit fearing it would never suit,
never did a thing against for I thought it would hurt them
never did them proud, never got a pat
sometimes I wish and I wonder it would have meant the world
is all I ponder...

Never walked the road which was easy for I thought it is not adventurous
repeated every mistake many time but never ceased to wonder
tried by best to 'be' but they never let me 'be'

Never drove thought it was'nt mine can't bash it up
bashed up my life never cared twice
in fragments of questions of whom to be and whom not to be

I sit and wonder will there be ever a suit which will suit
a thought which would linger on as long as I ponder
a road interesting to walk and not be killed and battered
will there ever be a house where I can turn in and never wander 

why hold back...

Its once we live then why die every moment
why die in the weight of others ambitions
why pose questions for which the answer always leads to misery
why doubt yourself when you are all you have to live with
why to run away from oneself when there are others to run from
why repeat the same mistake and never learn from them
why get tied to chains and bounds, why not live free
why to prick yourself to feel alive, when there is a life waiting within and outside
why not travel within and out to sail and discover
this is the only life I have I dont want to die till I cover all that my heart desires

circles

Dreams, aspirations, no one around and I
lingers eternally  in the world I live
May be I am not special, as I think I am in my head,
may be it is time to give up and get back to mundane grind,
the hollow around is gulping me alive
not a place to run to and no where to hide
there is light all around but the darkness is bursting within
where is the home I longed forever
where is the warmth which makes all this cold silence disappear
where is the touch which makes you feel alive
where is the light which I once saw now has disappeared
without any of it, I rather be mundane than living a dead
I am tired of the gloom and the darkness within
it is leading no where just a circle of memories
which I move around and dispair, to live is to feel
what could I possibly feel when it is soo cold in here
I don't want to burn in this ice fire
seeing everyday pass whining moaning for things which are not here
they were never here but I wished them to be
where are they lost or I never saw them in the wish them to appear
all I the rights, the wrong, the do and the don't , the theory of morality
what good it is, if it bind my soul to this coldness
why this arrogance, that life is not good for me
have I done enough or explored or given enough to life to conclude it to be
the songs do not make any sense, I felt love but walked right out of there
I wish I could say all I had stuck in my head but nothing came out but
the veil of arrogance, jokes and fears words do matter but I never cared
to feel and to express lies a journey within I am scared to wither
the procrastination  has to end, but i dont know how, may be I fear
for it is the misery whom I ever related to, the failure, the piles of regret
all I related to, it is a vicious circle, but I do not know, why I wait for
the answer to come from outside when they lie within, the words are simple
to live, but an infinite fear to put actions... 

Conversations with 8

Life for him was not the same for the one who lives around the dead, life is never the same. The hardest facts of life come through the easiest lessons where shades of social masks come naked to one’s vision. Greed, anguish, disappointment, joy, pride and every emotion which makes a man zombie in entirety within and with the veil of approval from others, in my many conversations with 8 I learned a lot which existed in totality which many religions, but being where it ends for the entire saga to be a realized being.

Life offers more disappointments than life of joy and “perfection”. Yin and yang works for everything, we have to do make life look perfect but we do over look our joys. When I come here and sit with 8 think back, one question always awestruck me is that is worth the effort to fall that low the material wants of our lives? To be  rich materially and be so poor morally, the little voice which always strikes us and more than often we avoid  listening to it. Or as we all blame “the circumstances were such I made the deal with the devil”. Then why can’t  we strike the deal with devil for immortality? Honestly in all my meetings with 8 at his home, one thing I learned we can’t avoid the ultimatum of nature, we might have come up from ravage huntsmen living in caves to the swanky apartments and jobs. In all the change the world has seen there is a constant nature! It does come back
to show fury, love and joy in her seasons. May be with the numb senses of materialism we forget.

Attachments and delusions of wealth and power ironically everyone find the same death and same birth. The
rich, the poor, the realized and the dumb many other judgmental stratifications of the society where ever  they may exists are born from a woman’s womb and die when life ends, no one has control over this beautiful charisma of life. Death as 8 described it to be beautiful most of us would not have agreed to it, but it does mark the end of something we could see and describe to a world which is unknown and “dark”. Unlike the evolution of earth and mankind we have not found the answers to the facts beyond life. It is this lack of explanations leading to the concepts of “heaven” or “hell” but may be there do exists a life beyond death, as we are a form of energy and elementary science suggests energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but can be transformed from one form to another, this does leave this facet of life pretty much open to curiosity!

Travels are the best healer of the mind takes you away from the life and suffering and thinking about the brand
new possibilities, one needs to travel inward in personal spheres of life it’s an endless walk in time to heal and
understand be close to our self and people who matter.

Old thoughts re-written

A lot in life goes unsaid and lot of relationships which goes unnamed and thoughts which go a waste

But in between these times lies the silence of being with oneself

It is the peace of mind and vacuum of nothing hides the meaning of life

People and us who go unknown and unheard in the complication and the simplification of life which the society bounds

I travel unknown in my journey meeting people unknowing, know and have relationships so simple which becomes hard to realize

This is to us and everyone around life is beautiful never brand it to the dogmatism of the thoughts..

Rock

Born as a rock with a mind of our own
wasted away in the times we never owned
the hopes wither as the seasons change
they move with the wind which sways them away
I want to see the stars and feel closer
although they lie a million light years away
they are all I have held on to with the changing times dithering me away
A lot of ages have passed for I to end up here all this way
unlearning to pain to enduring fresh courage to torment another age
The journey within and soul without leaves me hollow
a quest still remains to find a place, where I can be home again
find a passion for the rock to roll and find its own way
Winds have moved, the tides have worked cutting the rock
in its own way, all I know I can't shaped like the millions
who sway and wash every passing day 

Don't Know...

I do not know what I am thinking; there is a clutter of things in my head for which there is no better answer than the cluttered keys on the keyboard, no logical order. Logically everything seems improbable, in the mess I can’t seem to find order, I know it is the place we live, the people we meet, that stimulates the way we think in that case majorly I have not thought in the last few months all I hear is a blank noise when I see in, I see myself hurling out words, but mostly it does not make any sense fucking what so ever, I really do not know where I am heading I am somewhere in the middle of somewhere, which can’t  be nowhere but this is not heading anywhere I just see roads, no clue whereabouts of their destination, I have no energy to walk and just to find myself lost in the walk of life, but to stop and think does not lead to any solution…  

random stuff

 random thoughts, random vision, random hopes
random escapades from perceptions and prescriptions,
where it leads, where it goes, where it follows?
sometime I wish to know the first thought which I thought about life
before it got mulled by the "rights" and the "Wrongs" the "do's" and the "don't"
what was I, what could I be, what would follow, whats worth keeping,
whats worth challenging remains in the greys of life...
yet I tread on these paths everyday, wonder who I am, what I have become,
for all the people I hated, for all the shoes I never wanted to wear,
I have worn and walked, is this path was ever my own, were these shoes mine?
I still have no answers.... just random thoughts, random visions, random hopes
to find the answers one day.....

just another fight

Ever since the lucky sperm won the battle its been war for me.
Everyday since then, there has only been points to prove,
checkboxes to be ticked, something or the other to be achieved.

Winners win and loser lose and life continues, holding back my breath,
I dont want to be on either side of the paradigm.....
I am tired all this senseless game what if I did nothing,
I dont know I just want to be content I am sure neither winner nor losing
give me any contentment what so ever... Certainly losing does not

All I hear now is a blank noise of regrets shouting all I have missed, those empty checkboxes and me
Loneliness is a harsh time and without a direction i cant think of anything but sit and cry
tears flow down the cheek even they lose my sight and there is nothing but a vaccum and me

I still dont understand if it is worth the effort, sometimes I did for my parents for they could be proud,
sometime for my silly ego for it could be proud and just feel more superior than others around
never have heard the little voice in me, what it wanted to say and what it wanted to be....
the voice told a lot tales of beauty, horrors and my deepest covered trails

What am I running for, what am I running away, what am I fucking doing... i really have no clue...
dont know what the fuck i am finding, but i am losing and have lost a lot in this find, my sanity, love of people, a friendly smile........

I sway in the madness of time, its utter chaos to join the dots, to only observe lines criss-cross like on my palms which make no sense, may be I have not read enough, may be I have not thought it out enough, what is "enough" is enough puzzling for my head. Joining dots have a pleasure the transitional achievements of figuring it all, then whole things get flushed out as juveline has its charm, life has a charm in its own weird ways, the ways we percieve the beauty of being alive, the ways we take on different situations which come and go... Madness I believe does make sense sometimes.... :)

Colours

Sometimes I wish colours were as vivid and simple as they were,

the blue was not what I wrote with and the red with I am corrected with,

the sea of colours was for us to discover...

Definition was vagueness, dreams were vivid and believed as I saw them,

painted life with colours and not the white, black and greyness which I today call life....

jlt

The times are worth more than the chinks of dime which I hold so dear

the times are worth more than all I fear

The beauty is more than the splendid blue sky lit up by the moon light

then why do I fight to muck of glory on my tainted might

The sounds are new of a time I have forgotten,

then why did I move into these times knowing they are rotten

Someone I love is long gone from side which I still hold close

I dont see her anymore, why do I administer this torturous dose

I might be wrong, as she might be right, when why do I fight when there is no one on the other side

just randomly

Time like sand flows away in the idleness of my being

Somewhere is flows to a dimension of dementia of being

Time is like water I want to hold it, but the beauty is not there for it being stuck

but when it flows, when it rains, when it snows.....

It is the air, the breeze, which flows from within to without

is it actually without me, cause it takes a part of me,

I hear nothing but blank noise, is it being lonely or simply being ignorant?

Ignorant of the beauty of silence, there is companionship but silence is it

driving me crazy, I want to speak, but then there is no one to speak to in real

I want to travel, but it is a vacuum I travel with, a vacuum of regrets and of broken dreams

Why can't I let go of these regrets and broken dreams, why is it hard to reset

I took outside, when I should look within, what ever happened now stinks in the

pensive gloom which surrounds me, did I want or I just have it, I know I want it

but I fool myself it has always been, then is it misery which is my mistress, well

it has been a lot of stress

Move move and move, do I really move or it is just I sway but never change an inch

people have come and gone, I know they would come and go, but I don't want to be

stuck in my kingdom of dirt and wearing this crown of broken dreams, this is leading nowhere

I want to revive the old spirit, the smile and never say attitude that I once knew as my life

To be stuck down and to grow out to give a better fight, I want to go back in certain ways and

move ahead in many, I dont want my actions to be fueled by anger and distress but of

hope and not being in despair and hopelessness but of life

I want to be lost in the world which I love, but then not consider the otherside which is full

of grief, do I want grief I know never but then why this fetish, when I am already out, why

I pull back, is it my code of morality, may be it is time to think of "me" and not the universe

it is time to make a change greater than what I have achieved to atleast see the beauty which

I see and forget, to write the beauty which I now cant articulate, to sketch, to read the letters

which touched my heart with soo much pleasure,

I guess it is not worth giving up my pleasure for others to smile, may be I am selfish, may be

ungrateful but some how I feel it is warranted, I do want my life, which should not be the same

I have seen and experienced, to evolve and let others see the beauty of being..... and being me... :)

Times...

There are times when the head stops chanting the rhymesOf life and times, ahead and behind what I am and what I am notAll seem to undermine in the rhyme of being in vine of time,“To the memories and the fears, to the joys and tears, to life and to deathI am not scared till my last breath”, hummed the chants of illusions a million times, For today I don’t believe my chants and given into my tears, for I am sick,Hiding behind the fears, the paranoia is back, the illusions have stopped,For once I would want to see the sky as it was! To breakaway and break in, To lie off and lay in, away from the walls of my fears which so made me jeer,To find the old tune of joy, pain and death, a sound which I forgotten in the whole mess,Mess of time and fear which got me so far away from my own years.For the times which cannot be revisited and times which lies ahead, this is me signing upOnce forever to live my life away from the veils of sanity and fears!

life...as it seems

Life is the flavour of season going by and season which holds now, the moments could freeze under the harsh sun, could flow like water in the fierce winter or dry in the never ending monsoon. the true flavour of life is beyond what you see, it is how you feel it is about the mystery of the next breath you tke... life is more than ideas and ideals concieved by the social woos, life is more like life so live the air you breathe not the air which is no more or the smell of tomorrow

life

Once we die, everyday we live, and to live, everyday we die....
When death is evident, then why live to die, why dont we die to live..
beauty beholds in our hearts, and not in the decisions and conclusion
we draw through time, life is about those hardest times and those
sweetest memories, which brings tears to our eyes, life is not the
hope nor the pursuits for happiness, for it always exists in our
illusions of pain and misery... life is beyond the horizon, beyond the
thoughts which limit our vision... live up, open up, wake up to the
call, one beautiful named "life"

winds of thoughts...

Lost in the winds of thoughts,
swayed away to a land far yet know,
sometime I wonder where I stand,
in my memories, reminds of those,
cold and warmth which makes me
the man, sometime proud of who I am,
but I curse, the times which made me as I am...
The pain, which hurts me, like a dragger pierced in my
heart, hard to keep in, fatal to let go, with
all the burns scars of my memories, here I stand
remembering the beauty of love, which touched
my heart, and kept the warmth alive, in me
gives me the reason to stand in all the darkness and misery...

......

Every thing has a price to pay,
A laughter waiting to be killed,
A dream waiting to be shattered,
The crime which I am convicted for
pain and tears, is a petty one of
believing in people and trusting
purity of relationships, never knew
economics of trade and "wealth of
nations" have long entered the hearts
of the beholder of the womb, where
every effort put in has a tag written
"something is coming for you", in innocence
of a child never understand, now the
cruelty of maturity is making me
understand, every breath of mine is
actually not mine, every effort of mine
is exactly not mine, every step of mine
is forced, not talking about god, but
the expectations of costs one must pay,
when I try now to break apart, being
a complete failure to accept what all
could, some termed their defeats "due
to respect" some said " out of love"
I have no one liner for my victory in
defeat, someways I feel I lost all, in
the "nothings" which was mine, I cant
bear these heavy breathes which I take,
endowed with the heaviness of being not
able to owe up to what many say "responsibilities"
I wonder if I am failure or a victor in failure.........

i am bleeding, without a stain, my heart is crying without a drop of tear
i am dead but i am breathing life in and out. I lost my fears yet so scared
i am not in pain, nor in joy. I am numb yet I feel the strain.
i am no one, still the world shout at how "no one" I am.
i feel the wind, yet i am choking of air.
i dont know where i stand, my feets are tired of carrying weight.
i am fucked, yet a virgin. I am all soo complicated, yet so simple.