today somewhat i feel so complete and nice. the turbulance in me have suddenly clamed i have met a new person i.e me a new me.. things seems so clam the feeling after a nice joint .. i having the high of the life by reaching the highest possible happiness of loving myself more than the world.. no regrets stand the wall between me and the rising the sun.. all this is a illusion of mind or truth is something which time shall tell .. dont know when.. but whatever it is i am enjoying it.. hoping after a long time this moments would never end getting the best of mee.......

...

a lot in life goes unsaid and loads of relationships which goes unnamed and thoughts which go a waste.. but in these silence of self .. peace of mind and vaccum of nuthing lies the meaning of life..us and people.. who go unknown n unheard complicated in the uncomplicated life which the bounds set by us the society... i know go unknown in my journey .. meeting people unknowing know and have relationships so simple which becomes hard to realise...this is us me n everyone arnd life is beautiful never brand it to the dogmatism of the thoughts..

numb to voices

the voice of humanity,
the shouts of inhumans
to make their presence felt
to intoxication of which they dont care
but for the heck of it they want prove
the unproven... hidin from things
which doesnt matter lie ignorant to things
i stand with in the crowd a freaking allien to
everything dont get the buzz ...
my ear fall silent n i numb down but
an irritation go down my spine of thinking of
nothing but the meaning in this buzz of voices
what is it stand insecured lostness lonliness
of it... y dont i talk like the others do
y i am lyin silent between the commotion of
others are questions which i have no answer
for........

i am soo dead!

i found my downfall in my glory
i found my loss in victory
i found the fact why i am in pain?
i am not coz the world is after my arse
i am coz i am a stubborn bugger!
my ego took all away from me..!!??!!
my happiness my smiles and my victory
i stand victoriously lost in no where!
i am lost in the middle of somewhere
which i have nt know the way for..
the ego blinded me in my anger and rage
the miles i have walked is a waste
i am tired i am feelin the missing of
my love .. not of life but my best friend
i always was nothing without her..
today when she stands soo far away i can feel
her importance ... today i miss a ear to
tell my heart .. a lap to put my head to rest
and a shoulder to cry... or the pure feeling to
take care of someone.. jus coz of the simple
fact that i love her ... i am missing the innocent
smile .. i hate the devil in me the monster
who doesnt care abt the existence of the
humans arnd but jus itself...
caring for myself i have come soo far from everyone
else when today i turn there is jus a hollow space
and nuthing more...
i am sick of the hollowness of life and
my meaning less existence
my rebel cause is over i am left without a mission
and warrior without a mission is life a arrow
without a fucking target ...
nuthing seems right and nuthing seems wrong
all seems odd and fucked ... dont know when shall
i be out of my own fucking nightmare where
i am creator and i am the suffer i played
my own tricks of vurtuality on me
i showed myself down in pain when there was nuthing
arnd i am the first man who fucking fooled himself
guess i am real idiot for sure..
i dont where to start from where not to ....
to whom say a sorry or to whom to accept back
who was good or who was bad all seems to me
and vague picture of the sand which the water is
washing away... my tear broke my illusion as the
sand caslte are broken by the wave ..
coz all is a dream n in reality i stand in middle
of nowhere.. lost in my ownself my own mistakes
i think of nuthing
some on help my arse out of it my head is jammed!!!

The ride...

When shall I find the right words,
to express my feelings,
to enumerate my worries,
to show my feelings,
to confess my love,
to exuberate my anger,
to hide my weakness,
to shout out my frustration,
to tell my story, which lingers on in my heart,
or is it my head...
aah, the eternal confusion, whether I am controlled by my heart, or my head,
When shall I find the words, to decide,
whether I am indecisive or not.
Tough decision...
When will I find solace in my existence,
when????
When will I find myself useful,
instead of feeling like a fucking rat,
among millions of other rats,
no different...
Am I different?
or god made all of us different,
so that we could do the same things in life,
more or less the same way,
but feeling differently about it??
interesting question...
So, am I different? Are YOU different?
Does it matter whether there is the difference?
When will I find satisfaction in my existence?
Why do I exist?
Are these connected?
Is it all made of the finest silk, but a cobweb nevertheless?
Does it matter?
DOES IT MATTER?????
Does is matter I fell in love with a person so much,
that I gave her up?
Does it matter, that the perfect being is now right in front of me, but am afraid of love???
Does it matter, that life has turned me into a cynic?
Does it matter, that I am taken for a fool?
Does it matter, that this 'poem' actually stinks of utter frustration, and
silent reproach of millions of tears?
Does it matter,
that no matter what,
there is still a glimmer of hope?
After all, in the darkest of rooms,
a single ray of light shines brightest...
Brightest...
Are we all living by default,
one of nature's products??
or do we actually have a purpose,
of our existence?
Is that silent 'purpose' keeping us alive,
inspite of all our negative vagaries?
Does this purpose gives us flashes of hope,
when life is the darkest?
Is that 'purpose', our hope??
I really wonder...
Wonder...
Wonder is what nature is...
It fucks up every creature,
one way or the other...
but no one complains,
except us humans...
Why complain???
No use complaining...
When its happening,
why complain,
and waste my time...
Waste...
I see a whole millieu of humans,
most of them preferring to waste their lives on the streets,
and complaining they don't have anything...
Do I want to become like them?
Or should I DO something about it...
Confusion...
Big time...
So confused, I don't know my left hand from right hand,
Can I ever get rid of it,
or will I just have to live with it,
get used to it,
and then try to forget it.
Can I forget?
They say, time's change, and people change with them,
Do people REALLY change????
In this age, can rotten people ever be not-so-rotten?
In this world, everybody rots...
Rots...
Should I allow myself to rot by asking myself questions,
the answers to which will serve no purpose?
Or will it?
When will I know???
When???
Does any of this actually make any sense???
Is it senseless? or plain nonsense??
I don't care if it makes any sense...Its in my head!!!
Should I care?
Should I care to have the patience, to know whether all this makes any sense at all??
Patience...
When will I have patience?
To buy the time, to know my 'whens'?
Patience is what patient gets...
Patience kills 'When'...
And I...keep on hoping...

hope

wandering on the road on a long moonless night
searching for a light have past the months unknown
where time was one thing which i couldnt keep track
of ...

today i see a light, a ray of hope,its not my illusion
for this time coz this ray is not my lie.. not my cobwebb
the ray is the ray of love for my own soul , the hope
to see a bright new day and where horizon doesnt exist
coz i stand on it all beyond is the beauty i see

happiness holds no bound for me words are something
which i cant place!!!!!

life seems to stop at the thought of her in my mind .. the ears today long to hear her voice and feel the ripples of her laughter in my heart and running a vibe of happiness in my soul... the eyes long to see the smile on her face.. so far from her she just seems to be near around my existence which stands soo worthless without her presence.. guessing someday she shall understand the importance of her laugh her smiles her scolding
and those long talks to eternity .... she knows i am nothing without her but hate is something which can tear the purest of relationship apart today i stand with the memories of the smiles and joy supposin the best days of my existence.. which somewhat i long to forget but simply cant .. hoping a time machine could take me back and i would have jus froze the moment for ever.......

lake

the rain pours endlessly from the heaven above
i sit besides the lake of thoughts and the drops
of thoughts moment and memories fills it up
endlessly and each drop has a story to tell and
an experience to share but from the lake i feel
an uproar of the death which shares the unshareable
the beauty of death what lies beyond and what lies
forward? endlessly which vivid my imaginations to
know the unknowable to think the unthinkable but
all these lies a day dream jus sitting by the lake of
thoughts or the unthinkable
daring to dream is the fight i put .... but dont know
how much it counts in the war of life

whatever

deep in somewhere there is question which troubles
mine existence why was i born even at all!?! why me
for all the pain !?! purpose lies of this mass of flesh
unknown! breathes coz it has to may be accidently i
move today lifeless doing the doings of life with a
smile . i lie sick of putting up a show. every day of
my existence that i am happy content of life... which
is truly one lie which i believed today i stand at a
crossroad where nothing else matters.. but everything
seems to matters coz somewhere down i am attached
to the unattachable .. stuck into a maze with no tunnels
jus a locked room.. a loser in life i stand lost everything
for nothing a deal which i struck for nothing existentence
lies as meaning as bull shit lie on the road ...... dont know
what to do where to go i am stuck for sure

slut

a slut to the worl i stand where my
body is not the only thing which is
up for a sale but a piece of my soul
so close to my heart and amazing
treat for the animals who roam
around me in the shades of humanity
relish this the most....i live by selling
a part of soul my dreams my happiness
to beathe air around and drink the
purity of water and to feel intox of life
but its my blood which i drink and its
my own flesh which i eat ....................
a slut i stand have seen the animal in
all relationship around and the horrid
face under the masks of society
purity of love which stand a bloody
deal to all .... people pay me and fuck me
and fuck the happiness of my life coz i
am for sale a slut who has forgotten
everything about himself and has given
love to undeserved jus for the lifeless money
which adds life into this soul dying
all for money has left me and my
world in the prostitution of life!

!!!???!!!!

sittin by the window of the bus thoughts stroming thru my head
thinking abt this things and things beyond looking at the sky the
passing fort and the feelin the granduer of the past looking at things
which go unnoticed suddenly the kid in me comes to me ask me
questions and what if i cud be god for a day ? what wud i have done
what if i could touch the sky ? what if i cud cuddle in my moms lap
and go off to sleep ? what if there were no fears ? what if there were
no pain ? what if i never had to grow up? what if the world wasnt the
same as its today? what if my mom loved me always i cud give her the
happieness i gave the day i was born??what if she cud wish me on
on all my birthdays? what if i havent had my first ciggrate
when i was 14?? what if i never feel in love with the wrong
girl everytime???? and too many thoughts between all these thoughts the
beautiful stars and the moon made me close to my reality......of my existence

run - this was written way back in 2005 lying in my drafts...

through the various accomplishment in my existence
which not being soo great was somewhat amazing to
me i feel kinda hollow from inside this is not me this
is not my world this not where i belong sick of telling
myself this is what i am this what best for me i am
sick of it!! fustration in building up but i have no way
to go.. i am stuck in a trap in shoes which are not mine
i have left complaining but i cant stop the tears which
silently killing me .. i dont want to waste myself to weed
ciggrates and boose and to people who dont mean anything
to me nor here in my existence into here.. i am sick of duality
duality of thoughts personality playing hide and seek from
myself was all this i am alive for i dont want end anything but
i cant starting anything new.. coz new is beyond me the
mono way of life is killing me... the ordinary is not me
nor i am the exception i am in the world where there is
no one but me .. its not lonliless from people its the
lonliless from dreams and wants and desires of the heart
which doesnt think before dreams killing me... whats the point
dying everyday selling out my heart for a penny in my point
i feel jus to leave and run n run far...
and run that would never end....

the prey!

lost somewhere in the haze of life
my vision searches for light in the
smog! the feeling of being stoned
always and mind always being lost . i am
lost into the virtual space of time.
feels damn odd and the harsh realities
are too difficult for my heart to accept and
my ego to live with facts which my mind
doesnt aknowledge..life is an odd mystery.
lies have become more important than
the reality which is realitvely my own
creation ... which is a cobwebb on which the
path of my own i have forgotten i am stuck
into my own trap...my own web i am the prey
and the predator! ..thoughts of which are a
nightmare to many but adventure to me....
hallucinations of a better future make me
forget the pain and help me move deeper into
my own quicksand into my own grave...
well with all this illusions hallucination
and adventure i live into this odd mystery of life
dont know when shall all these going phases of
nightmares shall be over being whatever i am
enjoying sarcastic is all i have become in the
irony of life

wondering

sometimes i feel and i wonder and i think .... why cant i be a kid again the world shall be soo different no hurry no competition could have wet my pants and dont have to take the pain to go to the loo.. life is soo simple food is a tear away and loads of people jus for me at my disposal ... i wonder the purity of my mind and thoughts wont have to depends of ciggrates or worry abt being lonely thought seems to be kiddish but i want to be a kid again .....kid coz i am pure and i can make my self up again the way i want to be i am the potter and i am clay... i jus wonder hope n think....

waiting

walking through the jungle of life
through the moonless night and
the pleasent morning things seems
soo worthless to these eyes loneliness
sucks the beauty of life from my head
everything has become life less the
sun rises coz it has to rise ..... the rain
falls coz the sky cant hold it .. the star filled
sky no longer evoke beauty in my mind...
the pattern of my life and beauty in it
has been outshadowed by anger fustration
lonliness and i no longer can bear the pain
of dullness choices seems limited but
the heart is not ... but it cries await the fire
to clear the haze from my mind ....
waiting is all i can do and time is
what i dont have.........................

dont know?

tears trickle when the feeling of emptiness comes into
the insecured soul..the heart and the mind feels the
vaccum which sucks the happiness and joy out of life
all seems soo dull the star studded clear sky...
the rain pouring down hard on a moonless night and
in the haze which it creates all around...spending time
in silence of life.....the reassurance of beauty of life
looses meaning...all this silence has brought me closer
to myself but far away from the world the realilty i belong!
virtuality is my world but the world is of glass shatters
with a small tinkle its balance is my creation..........
where space is none...how long shall i live in duality
of life .. stuck between somewhere in virtuality and
realility....lost into my own lies i have forgotten the truth.
my existence questions existence for the truth without
an answer i stand.... in a world although being mine is
never mine

confusion

lost in a whirpool of confusion of my inner self
my heart sinks into the vast ocean of thoughts
just like a drop of tear which disappearing in
the oceans of emotions.........................

my world turns silent by the outside tubulance and
rush of the whirpool in the haze i miss the calm
star filled night sky like the jewels stuck in the
eternal space of time jus like my dreams so close
yet so far....

question

the fear of things keep moving make me wanna
stop the moments and feel the presence before its
gone forgotten and lost somewhere in the
millions of thoughts of mind so unmindfull in thinking

death,life and things beyond happens coz it has to
just like the seasons change and just as thoughts
of the wandering mind which just sprouts without a reason
there somewhere lies the question why????????

why and why does it have to happen and what
happens after the happenings of life...............
tears and happiness stored for me who makes
it all why and why cant i have all the smiles????

if science and economics say what goes up
has to come down but cant in the highs of life
a man survive ... what is eternal is unknown ....????
unseen and unheard i wanna survive thru the passage of time

a race of time i am stuck into
there is no way out of this maze things
happens coz it has to happen and what i am
left with is questionss.... and questionss.......????.......

to a friend so near yet so far

am here n u no where near things around mellow in the thoughts of the wildness of talks we have.. abt life n things so unimportant to people so ordinary ... the convos... meanin nuthin still mean a lot to me ... dont knw what u think but thoughts r meant to be thoughts and not wasted on the ordinary n so importantly unimportant

bottomless thoughts

seems that things to havent stoped for an era so unknow to me
thought flow as if there is water fallin from a waterfall to
a pool soo deep that.. bottom seems endless .....
the river ahead flows endlessly... into a stream
which has no where to go but flows coz it has too...
in such a pool of endless thoughts n stream of no end
my head sinks in.. findin meanin of the reason of our existence
so odd but not meaning less.. is this existence!!
its thoughts n jus thoughts which bring me closer to the self
which is hides under the turbulance of the waterfall....
yet calm inside.. speaks of a story of the mind n duality
which exist in our existence.......unknow from my soul....