random stuff

 random thoughts, random vision, random hopes
random escapades from perceptions and prescriptions,
where it leads, where it goes, where it follows?
sometime I wish to know the first thought which I thought about life
before it got mulled by the "rights" and the "Wrongs" the "do's" and the "don't"
what was I, what could I be, what would follow, whats worth keeping,
whats worth challenging remains in the greys of life...
yet I tread on these paths everyday, wonder who I am, what I have become,
for all the people I hated, for all the shoes I never wanted to wear,
I have worn and walked, is this path was ever my own, were these shoes mine?
I still have no answers.... just random thoughts, random visions, random hopes
to find the answers one day.....

just another fight

Ever since the lucky sperm won the battle its been war for me.
Everyday since then, there has only been points to prove,
checkboxes to be ticked, something or the other to be achieved.

Winners win and loser lose and life continues, holding back my breath,
I dont want to be on either side of the paradigm.....
I am tired all this senseless game what if I did nothing,
I dont know I just want to be content I am sure neither winner nor losing
give me any contentment what so ever... Certainly losing does not

All I hear now is a blank noise of regrets shouting all I have missed, those empty checkboxes and me
Loneliness is a harsh time and without a direction i cant think of anything but sit and cry
tears flow down the cheek even they lose my sight and there is nothing but a vaccum and me

I still dont understand if it is worth the effort, sometimes I did for my parents for they could be proud,
sometime for my silly ego for it could be proud and just feel more superior than others around
never have heard the little voice in me, what it wanted to say and what it wanted to be....
the voice told a lot tales of beauty, horrors and my deepest covered trails

What am I running for, what am I running away, what am I fucking doing... i really have no clue...
dont know what the fuck i am finding, but i am losing and have lost a lot in this find, my sanity, love of people, a friendly smile........

I sway in the madness of time, its utter chaos to join the dots, to only observe lines criss-cross like on my palms which make no sense, may be I have not read enough, may be I have not thought it out enough, what is "enough" is enough puzzling for my head. Joining dots have a pleasure the transitional achievements of figuring it all, then whole things get flushed out as juveline has its charm, life has a charm in its own weird ways, the ways we percieve the beauty of being alive, the ways we take on different situations which come and go... Madness I believe does make sense sometimes.... :)

Colours

Sometimes I wish colours were as vivid and simple as they were,

the blue was not what I wrote with and the red with I am corrected with,

the sea of colours was for us to discover...

Definition was vagueness, dreams were vivid and believed as I saw them,

painted life with colours and not the white, black and greyness which I today call life....

jlt

The times are worth more than the chinks of dime which I hold so dear

the times are worth more than all I fear

The beauty is more than the splendid blue sky lit up by the moon light

then why do I fight to muck of glory on my tainted might

The sounds are new of a time I have forgotten,

then why did I move into these times knowing they are rotten

Someone I love is long gone from side which I still hold close

I dont see her anymore, why do I administer this torturous dose

I might be wrong, as she might be right, when why do I fight when there is no one on the other side

just randomly

Time like sand flows away in the idleness of my being

Somewhere is flows to a dimension of dementia of being

Time is like water I want to hold it, but the beauty is not there for it being stuck

but when it flows, when it rains, when it snows.....

It is the air, the breeze, which flows from within to without

is it actually without me, cause it takes a part of me,

I hear nothing but blank noise, is it being lonely or simply being ignorant?

Ignorant of the beauty of silence, there is companionship but silence is it

driving me crazy, I want to speak, but then there is no one to speak to in real

I want to travel, but it is a vacuum I travel with, a vacuum of regrets and of broken dreams

Why can't I let go of these regrets and broken dreams, why is it hard to reset

I took outside, when I should look within, what ever happened now stinks in the

pensive gloom which surrounds me, did I want or I just have it, I know I want it

but I fool myself it has always been, then is it misery which is my mistress, well

it has been a lot of stress

Move move and move, do I really move or it is just I sway but never change an inch

people have come and gone, I know they would come and go, but I don't want to be

stuck in my kingdom of dirt and wearing this crown of broken dreams, this is leading nowhere

I want to revive the old spirit, the smile and never say attitude that I once knew as my life

To be stuck down and to grow out to give a better fight, I want to go back in certain ways and

move ahead in many, I dont want my actions to be fueled by anger and distress but of

hope and not being in despair and hopelessness but of life

I want to be lost in the world which I love, but then not consider the otherside which is full

of grief, do I want grief I know never but then why this fetish, when I am already out, why

I pull back, is it my code of morality, may be it is time to think of "me" and not the universe

it is time to make a change greater than what I have achieved to atleast see the beauty which

I see and forget, to write the beauty which I now cant articulate, to sketch, to read the letters

which touched my heart with soo much pleasure,

I guess it is not worth giving up my pleasure for others to smile, may be I am selfish, may be

ungrateful but some how I feel it is warranted, I do want my life, which should not be the same

I have seen and experienced, to evolve and let others see the beauty of being..... and being me... :)