The ride...

When shall I find the right words,
to express my feelings,
to enumerate my worries,
to show my feelings,
to confess my love,
to exuberate my anger,
to hide my weakness,
to shout out my frustration,
to tell my story, which lingers on in my heart,
or is it my head...
aah, the eternal confusion, whether I am controlled by my heart, or my head,
When shall I find the words, to decide,
whether I am indecisive or not.
Tough decision...
When will I find solace in my existence,
when????
When will I find myself useful,
instead of feeling like a fucking rat,
among millions of other rats,
no different...
Am I different?
or god made all of us different,
so that we could do the same things in life,
more or less the same way,
but feeling differently about it??
interesting question...
So, am I different? Are YOU different?
Does it matter whether there is the difference?
When will I find satisfaction in my existence?
Why do I exist?
Are these connected?
Is it all made of the finest silk, but a cobweb nevertheless?
Does it matter?
DOES IT MATTER?????
Does is matter I fell in love with a person so much,
that I gave her up?
Does it matter, that the perfect being is now right in front of me, but am afraid of love???
Does it matter, that life has turned me into a cynic?
Does it matter, that I am taken for a fool?
Does it matter, that this 'poem' actually stinks of utter frustration, and
silent reproach of millions of tears?
Does it matter,
that no matter what,
there is still a glimmer of hope?
After all, in the darkest of rooms,
a single ray of light shines brightest...
Brightest...
Are we all living by default,
one of nature's products??
or do we actually have a purpose,
of our existence?
Is that silent 'purpose' keeping us alive,
inspite of all our negative vagaries?
Does this purpose gives us flashes of hope,
when life is the darkest?
Is that 'purpose', our hope??
I really wonder...
Wonder...
Wonder is what nature is...
It fucks up every creature,
one way or the other...
but no one complains,
except us humans...
Why complain???
No use complaining...
When its happening,
why complain,
and waste my time...
Waste...
I see a whole millieu of humans,
most of them preferring to waste their lives on the streets,
and complaining they don't have anything...
Do I want to become like them?
Or should I DO something about it...
Confusion...
Big time...
So confused, I don't know my left hand from right hand,
Can I ever get rid of it,
or will I just have to live with it,
get used to it,
and then try to forget it.
Can I forget?
They say, time's change, and people change with them,
Do people REALLY change????
In this age, can rotten people ever be not-so-rotten?
In this world, everybody rots...
Rots...
Should I allow myself to rot by asking myself questions,
the answers to which will serve no purpose?
Or will it?
When will I know???
When???
Does any of this actually make any sense???
Is it senseless? or plain nonsense??
I don't care if it makes any sense...Its in my head!!!
Should I care?
Should I care to have the patience, to know whether all this makes any sense at all??
Patience...
When will I have patience?
To buy the time, to know my 'whens'?
Patience is what patient gets...
Patience kills 'When'...
And I...keep on hoping...

hope

wandering on the road on a long moonless night
searching for a light have past the months unknown
where time was one thing which i couldnt keep track
of ...

today i see a light, a ray of hope,its not my illusion
for this time coz this ray is not my lie.. not my cobwebb
the ray is the ray of love for my own soul , the hope
to see a bright new day and where horizon doesnt exist
coz i stand on it all beyond is the beauty i see

happiness holds no bound for me words are something
which i cant place!!!!!

life seems to stop at the thought of her in my mind .. the ears today long to hear her voice and feel the ripples of her laughter in my heart and running a vibe of happiness in my soul... the eyes long to see the smile on her face.. so far from her she just seems to be near around my existence which stands soo worthless without her presence.. guessing someday she shall understand the importance of her laugh her smiles her scolding
and those long talks to eternity .... she knows i am nothing without her but hate is something which can tear the purest of relationship apart today i stand with the memories of the smiles and joy supposin the best days of my existence.. which somewhat i long to forget but simply cant .. hoping a time machine could take me back and i would have jus froze the moment for ever.......

lake

the rain pours endlessly from the heaven above
i sit besides the lake of thoughts and the drops
of thoughts moment and memories fills it up
endlessly and each drop has a story to tell and
an experience to share but from the lake i feel
an uproar of the death which shares the unshareable
the beauty of death what lies beyond and what lies
forward? endlessly which vivid my imaginations to
know the unknowable to think the unthinkable but
all these lies a day dream jus sitting by the lake of
thoughts or the unthinkable
daring to dream is the fight i put .... but dont know
how much it counts in the war of life

whatever

deep in somewhere there is question which troubles
mine existence why was i born even at all!?! why me
for all the pain !?! purpose lies of this mass of flesh
unknown! breathes coz it has to may be accidently i
move today lifeless doing the doings of life with a
smile . i lie sick of putting up a show. every day of
my existence that i am happy content of life... which
is truly one lie which i believed today i stand at a
crossroad where nothing else matters.. but everything
seems to matters coz somewhere down i am attached
to the unattachable .. stuck into a maze with no tunnels
jus a locked room.. a loser in life i stand lost everything
for nothing a deal which i struck for nothing existentence
lies as meaning as bull shit lie on the road ...... dont know
what to do where to go i am stuck for sure

slut

a slut to the worl i stand where my
body is not the only thing which is
up for a sale but a piece of my soul
so close to my heart and amazing
treat for the animals who roam
around me in the shades of humanity
relish this the most....i live by selling
a part of soul my dreams my happiness
to beathe air around and drink the
purity of water and to feel intox of life
but its my blood which i drink and its
my own flesh which i eat ....................
a slut i stand have seen the animal in
all relationship around and the horrid
face under the masks of society
purity of love which stand a bloody
deal to all .... people pay me and fuck me
and fuck the happiness of my life coz i
am for sale a slut who has forgotten
everything about himself and has given
love to undeserved jus for the lifeless money
which adds life into this soul dying
all for money has left me and my
world in the prostitution of life!

!!!???!!!!

sittin by the window of the bus thoughts stroming thru my head
thinking abt this things and things beyond looking at the sky the
passing fort and the feelin the granduer of the past looking at things
which go unnoticed suddenly the kid in me comes to me ask me
questions and what if i cud be god for a day ? what wud i have done
what if i could touch the sky ? what if i cud cuddle in my moms lap
and go off to sleep ? what if there were no fears ? what if there were
no pain ? what if i never had to grow up? what if the world wasnt the
same as its today? what if my mom loved me always i cud give her the
happieness i gave the day i was born??what if she cud wish me on
on all my birthdays? what if i havent had my first ciggrate
when i was 14?? what if i never feel in love with the wrong
girl everytime???? and too many thoughts between all these thoughts the
beautiful stars and the moon made me close to my reality......of my existence

run - this was written way back in 2005 lying in my drafts...

through the various accomplishment in my existence
which not being soo great was somewhat amazing to
me i feel kinda hollow from inside this is not me this
is not my world this not where i belong sick of telling
myself this is what i am this what best for me i am
sick of it!! fustration in building up but i have no way
to go.. i am stuck in a trap in shoes which are not mine
i have left complaining but i cant stop the tears which
silently killing me .. i dont want to waste myself to weed
ciggrates and boose and to people who dont mean anything
to me nor here in my existence into here.. i am sick of duality
duality of thoughts personality playing hide and seek from
myself was all this i am alive for i dont want end anything but
i cant starting anything new.. coz new is beyond me the
mono way of life is killing me... the ordinary is not me
nor i am the exception i am in the world where there is
no one but me .. its not lonliless from people its the
lonliless from dreams and wants and desires of the heart
which doesnt think before dreams killing me... whats the point
dying everyday selling out my heart for a penny in my point
i feel jus to leave and run n run far...
and run that would never end....

the prey!

lost somewhere in the haze of life
my vision searches for light in the
smog! the feeling of being stoned
always and mind always being lost . i am
lost into the virtual space of time.
feels damn odd and the harsh realities
are too difficult for my heart to accept and
my ego to live with facts which my mind
doesnt aknowledge..life is an odd mystery.
lies have become more important than
the reality which is realitvely my own
creation ... which is a cobwebb on which the
path of my own i have forgotten i am stuck
into my own trap...my own web i am the prey
and the predator! ..thoughts of which are a
nightmare to many but adventure to me....
hallucinations of a better future make me
forget the pain and help me move deeper into
my own quicksand into my own grave...
well with all this illusions hallucination
and adventure i live into this odd mystery of life
dont know when shall all these going phases of
nightmares shall be over being whatever i am
enjoying sarcastic is all i have become in the
irony of life